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|  | Opinion AberRant  Holiday Tips
There are a number of secret tricks to becoming famous and fabulously wealthy from writing a regular column. As you have probably guessed, I do not know any of these tricks. I am beginning to learn a thing or two, however. One bit that I need to remember is that when I write a column for a deadline, I need to look at what day the column will actually come out. I see that even though I’ve just finished a fine turkey dinner, you will be reading this on December 9 or later, which means that we will all have forgotten about Thanksgiving and will be deeply enmeshed in the angry traffic jams, the frantic and thoughtless token gift purchases, the money-hemorrhaging, alcohol-fueled dysfunctional family dramas and mandatory office party attendance that are all magically captured in one evocative word: Christmas.
Naturally, you’re wondering what to get me. Gosh, I hate to make requests. It makes me feel so greedy. Let’s start with a few things that I don’t want. That will give you an idea of my general tastes. Gifts You Must Never Give Me:
• Any “labor-saving” device that is really just a gadget that was invented solely to fit into the “I didn’t care enough to put actual thought into a gift but had to get something anyway” category. Examples are battery-operated toothbrushes and mugs that self-mix the contents contained within. God knows that repetitive movements involved in tooth brushing and cocoa stirring cause an untold number of cases of carpal tunnel syndrome, but I’ll just keep taking my chances.
• Anything that has either the word “Zen” or “Earth” in the name, while having nothing to do with either deep meditative simplicity or eco-friendliness. This would include three inch square imitation Zen rock gardens with itty bitty rakes, god-awful imitation Deng Shui (pronounced “DUNG” shway) tabletop fountains, and hemp Wonder Bras.
• A massaging ottoman. I don’t want one of these, but I understand that it’s at the top of Ruby Ridge’s list, so I won’t say anything negative.
• A lava lamp that looks like a ketchup bottle.
• Any and all ugly-ass, trailer-park-belonging animated / musical / light up holiday ornaments or, ahem, “décor.” (See Ruby comment above.)
• Unnecessary, space-taking, grime-collecting countertop appliances such as a mini blender, a mini crock pot, a mini deep-fat fryer, a revolving pizza cooker, a George Foreman hot dog bun warmer or a smoothie maker.
• No craptastic holiday jewelry sets, no costume jewelry—no jewelry unless I’ve chosen it myself.
• Ditto on nasty, stanky holiday fragrance and / or cosmetic sets.
• No giant tins of popcorn.
• No permanent meat products, (i.e. no-expiration-date sausage).
• Chia-anything. The only kind of Chia Pet that would ever interest me would be the “Your Body is Maturing” Chia Crotch, which I haven’t seen on the market. Things that you can get me at any time of year:
• Bottles of Emmet’s Irish Cream. Cheaper than Bailey’s, but better-tasting.
• Gift certificates for my veterinarian at University Pet Clinic. See, we have two adolescent dogs. Maxie is a mutt and is very low-maintenance. Lola, however, is a purebred Boxer. She has unheard of ailments such as allergies, fainting — fainting, I am not kidding — and the infamous $400 Really Bad Gas day. Maxie could eat a Volvo and not have any problems whereas if Lola gets a sliver, chances are that it will work its way deep into her body and perforate the bowel. Thoughtful Gifts for Others:
The short story is that Olene Walker has drafted two tax reform plans. One is a basic flat-tax plan. The second one is identical to the first one EXCEPT it maintains exemptions for any outrageous number of children and, you guessed it, charitable donations such as, oh gosh, let’s just say for example TITHING. Now back in 1988, a flat tax bill was floated at the legislature and fared pretty well until a representative from one of the churches in town showed up at the Capitol and winked meaningfully and opened his coat to reveal a Book of Mormon secreted inside the lining, whereupon the legislators suddenly decided that the tax bill was bad because it did not maintain the exemptions mentioned above. I guess we can admire Olene for at least being open. She sent members of her team to meet with some Church Goons to give them a heads-up.
Now I agree with the idea of maintaining incentives for charitable giving, because there are so many places that need it. The GLBT Community Center of Utah, the Utah AIDS Foundation, the local Human Rights Campaign and so forth.
In this light, may I suggest a useful, thoughtful, meaningful gift that will benefit a worthy cause, give pleasure to the recipient, and insert more sticks up the recti of the Neo-Mos who railroad through such legislation as Amendment 3.
Consider the concept of tithing, then write a few checks to your favorite pro-homo nonprofits. Ask them to send the acknowledgement to Senator Chris Buttars, 9241 S. Lisa Avenue, West Jordan, Utah 84088. Then send your friends their holiday cards with a note tucked inside each one noting which donation you are dedicating to them. I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t be happy with such a thoughtful idea! Well, maybe this one guy…
Laurie Mecham is not kidding about the Emmet’s—or the vet, for that matter. | | |
