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Sane Advice

Developing Self-Esteem May Take Time, Energy

by Jim Struve, Lee Beckstead

This week’s column is on the broad topic of developing self-esteem. Simply put, this process is another form of “coming out.” It can involve a lifetime of discovering your true self and changing your relationships to be more in line with what you need. Part of this process of self-discovery is evaluating if what we have learned to believe about ourselves is actually true.
Here’s an example: Let’s suppose you grew up feeling quite different from others, never really fitting in or living up to social standards, and you learned to feel bad about this. You may have heard messages that your romantic or sexual feelings were wrong, sinful, and unnatural or you were told you were too sissy or too butch.
Along with your sexuality and gender being devalued, your family and peers may have neglected you or treated you poorly. You may have heard people say that your body or ethnicity wasn’t “good enough” or that your ideas and feelings didn’t matter.
Through these experiences, you may now believe — inaccurately — that there is something wrong with you and that you are of little value. Intense obstacles may have been in your way as you were growing up and you may have learned to feel helpless, alone, and powerless in getting what you needed. You may also believe the lies that a “gay lifestyle” only involves a lifetime of loneliness, drugs, promiscuity, selfishness, and disease.
Such restrictive messages and rejecting experiences may have left lasting emotional wounds (some call this “baggage”) that you carry with you everywhere, influencing how you feel about yourself and relate to others. These wounds may undermine your capacity to feel loveable and competent.
Some of us were protected from this wounding by the good fortune of having life-affirming experiences or having contact with loving people or positive role models.
However, the rest of us had to scramble and search for other ways to buffer ourselves from feeling inferior. Some of us may have chosen ineffective survival strategies, such as isolating from self and others, being overly critical to self and others, overachieving and overcompensating, and escaping through substance abuse or sexual addiction.
Such coping responses create more problems and will ultimately lower self-worth. In contrast, resilient coping involves the active rejection of inaccurate self-beliefs and the adoption of attitudes and behaviors that promote well-being and fit who you truly are.
A variety of ways exist for developing self-worth and a positive self-identity. The following list offers some ideas. Be open to the possibility that these suggestions may not “just happen” but instead may require an intentional investment of time and energy. Approaching the list in this manner may make it seem less overwhelming. If you decide to try out some of these suggestions, focus on only one or two before you move on to others.
Be clear about what your interests, values, and ethics are, and then live by these self-chosen, but realistic, standards. Doing so may help you feel good about your life and let others know what kind of person you are. Here are some questions that may help you understand what’s important to you:
“What type of person do I want to be and not want to be?”
“What type of gay person do I want to be and not want to be?”
“What types of relationships do I want and not want?”
“What influences these decisions?”
“What are the short- and long-term consequences of these choices?”
“What do I need to accomplish such choices?”
Choose various ways of expressing your ideas, feelings, needs, and experiences. Such self-expression can involve journaling or writing, engaging in conversations, listening or creating music, or doing other healthy activities that fit for you.
Accept and validate “the whole package” of yourself. This affirmation involves being comfortable with all your “flaws” while claiming all your strengths. This also means knowing and appreciating your uniqueness.
Meet others like yourself and connect with supportive, “kindred spirits.” If you want to expand your self-identity, then explore a variety of new lifestyles and interests. Ask yourself what feels most comfortable to you at your current stage of life and then incorporate these norms into your life.

What have you learned in your life that helps you like yourself? We’d like to learn from you and hear what you consider important for you and our community’s well-being. E-mail us at saneadvice@qsaltlake.com with your “sane advice” and we’ll share it in this column. Also, if you’re struggling with a particular issue or question, consider dropping us a line and we’ll discuss it and our viewpoint in future columns.

Lee Beckstead, PhD, and Jim Struve, LCSW are private practice psychotherapists in Salt Lake.