The Gayest Christmas Shows Ever!

by adminwp in Gay Geeks | 0 comments

Following last issue’s outing of Snow Miser and Heat Miser as Christmas’ gayest icons, I thought that creating a gay — and geeky — holiday viewing guide was probably in order, given the number of movies and Christmas specials (and the rare non-Christmas holiday special) showing in movie theaters and on TV between Thanksgiving weekend and New Year’s Day.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: So this kind of got passed over during last issue’s column, but this is just such a fabulous example, I have to elaborate. Folks, America’s most famous Christmas special is a paean to queerness. Oh, yes it is. Rudolph’s father, ashamed at his son’s “very shiny nose” covers it up with a prosthesis and tells the youngster that “self-respect” is more important than comfort before sending him out to play with the other (male) calves. Note, of course, that the reindeer games are basically every recess touch football match ever — complete with a macho asshole coach and posturing for the girls. When the calves discover that Rudolph is as queer as a three dollar b — I mean, that his nose glows — they run him off like good little heterosexuals. Meanwhile, elf Hermie, who has a metrosexual haircut and Mary Kay Red Salsa lipstick, tells his boss that he doesn’t like making toys; he’d rather be a dentist. In the North Pole, of course, “dentist” is code for “junior member of the Matrons of Mayhem.” The rest of the elves are scandalized.

Eventually, Hermie and Rudolph meet up and decide to search for some place where they’ll fit in. (Do you hear YMCA playing in the background yet? Seriously, this is just getting too easy.) On the way, they meet a prospector who could beat Heat Miser in the Mr. Utah Bear competition and find an island of misfit toys, which includes such wonders as a very sissified jack-in-the-box and a pistol that shoots, wait for it, strawberry jelly, a kind of which I hear you can buy at Cathoots. It’s like they’re not even trying at this point.

Eventually, everyone apologizes to Hermie and Rudolph for their homophobia, and Santa finally figures out that the reindeer’s fabulous fairy light nose is the only thing that can penetrate the foggy Christmas Eve. In other words, the queers save Christmas for everybody!

Well, maybe I camped it up a bit. But you get the idea.

Stuart Saves His Family: Even though it was based on an Al Franken Saturday Night Live sketch — you know, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”? — this is actually a really touching little film about sexually ambiguous Stuart Smalley’s attempts to rescue his family from their cycles of alcoholism and emotional abuse. In the end, he learns, as we all do, that such things are not our responsibility, and that our true family is chosen, not biological. A lot of people hate this movie, and I just don’t understand why. It’s rare that one finds a film that is so simultaneously sweet, charming and realistic about family and Family.

“Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo,” “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” and “A Very Crappy Christmas:” It’s South Park. Need I say more? Since I have  column to fill, of course I must. In the first installment of this turd trifecta, Kyle Broflowski, the only Jewish kid in South Park, Colorado, feels left out during the holiday season as his (mostly secular but culturally) Christian friends put up their trees and wrap their gifts. Given that queer people of all faiths and cultures tend to be left out during this time of year due to social heterosexism and hostile families, I think we can all relate to Kyle’s plight a little. And that’s not even getting into the actual gay stuff, like Satan (who is even bigger and gayer than Big Gay Al) singing a perky Broadway number with Hitler and other damned souls in “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics.” Overall, these Christmas specials are about being a little bit of an outsider, not taking the holidays too seriously, and most of all, being creative, imaginative and all-around fabulous, as the South Park boys are, always.

March of the Wooden Soldiers: What? Laurel and Hardy are acting like a gay couple? Amid frolicking Mother Goose characters and handsome, six foot tall wood (teehee! Wood!) soldiers? No, that’s not where it gets vaguely fruity. That happens when the boys outwit villain Silas Barnaby’s (unwanted) attempt to marry Little Bo Peep by dressing up Stanley as the unlucky bride. This exchange makes the entire movie:

Hardy: Goodbye, Stannie.
Laurel: Well, aren’t I going with you?
Hardy: Why, no. You’ve got to stay here with Barnaby. You’re married to him.
Laurel: [tearing up] I don’t want to stay here with him!
Hardy: Why not?
Laurel: [sobbing] I don’t love him!

Anyway, this is one of those rare holiday specimens that doesn’t suck and is entirely family-friendly.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: OK, so this has no gay content whatsoever. BUT how can you not love a movie that has this quote: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

Since there is absolutely no way to follow that up, I think I’ll just sign off here by wishing you all a very happy holiday. After all, Christmas is the gayest season of the year.