Equal Rights for Single People!
It’s impossible to not feel immense satisfaction over Judge Walker’s decision to overturn Proposition 8. But now that we’ve celebrated with rallies and marches, let’s pause for a sec and consider who is still excluded by Walker’s decision. He wrote, “California has an obligation to treat all of its couples equally.” His lengthy decision went on to condemn any legislation based on stereotypes and private moral views.
But Psychology Today contributor Bella DePaulo has offered a fascinating critique of the ruling. She contends that Walker’s decision actually perpetuates stereotypes about single people. In her book, Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After, DePaulo asks why our culture consistently privileges married couples over single people. Why can’t the uncoupled have equal rights, too? I spoke with the Harvard trained social scientist on KRCL’s RadioActive.
Troy Williams: You wrote a recent Huffington Post op-ed about the Prop 8 decision where you make the case for ending marital privilege. What do you mean by “marital privilege?”
Bella DePaulo: It’s a matter of giving benefits, rights, privileges to some people rather than others, simply because they are legally married. Being legally married opens a treasure trove of rights and perks that are not available to anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, if they are not married and don’t want to be.
TW: There are 1,138 federal benefits for married couples. What are a couple obvious examples?
DP: In the workplace often a spouse can include their partner on health insurance and employment benefits, but a single person can’t include theirs. Those benefits can be quite valuable. And that adds up to unequal compensation for the same work. Or take social security; I’m a single person. I can work side by side for years next to a married person at the same job and the same level of seniority, and if my married co-worker dies, their benefits can go to their spouse. But if I die my benefits go back into the system. It’s part of the stereotype, right? If you are single you don’t have anyone.
TW: Single folks seem resigned to this disparity. It’s such an established condition that it is rarely questioned, let alone challenged by a mass social movement.
DP: There is a group called the Alternatives to Marriage Project who are interested in activism. There are also a growing number of voices across the spectrum of religion, politics and sexual orientations, who are making the case that marriage is not really where the fight should be. We need to think more broadly about all of our citizens, and not just who is married and who is not. If you add more people into the marriage privilege, that still leaves out all the others.
TW: Salt Lake City responded in an interesting way to our super DOMA, Amendment 3. They created the “Adult Designee” category so that city employees can give their benefits to grandmothers, cousins or a dear friend. It’s a very progressive policy established in the shadow of a conservative culture.
DP: Yes! I loved the article published in The Nation last year by Lisa Duggan called “What’s Right with Utah?” She talks about the adult designee and makes the point that there is a wonderful activist community in Salt Lake City and they are very creative in the way they approach these issues.
TW: You have to be creative in order to protect your lives.
DP: It sounds wonderful.
TW: Judge Walker has made the case that gay couples who are legally married actually feel more acceptance from their family and they have greater access to health benefits, etc. But you make the argument that these are the same exact needs as single people.
DP: That is what was so interesting about this ruling. He is making the case for why single people should have the same rights, benefits, privileges and obligations as anyone else. Just his one sentence, “California’s obligation is to treat its citizen’s equally” he goes on to spell out the ways in which LGBT people who are not officially married are treated like second-class citizens. Well, I can make the same argument for anyone of any sexual orientation who is single. They too feel like they are not as accepted as positively as their married counterparts.
TW: Discuss what you call “matrimania.”
DP: Matrimania is the over-the-top hyping of marriage, weddings and coupling. There are so many ways we see it. On TV it’s The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. And, of course, the whole big wedding industry.
TW: It’s all about perpetuating consumerism, right? Get your bridal registry at Target! Our culture saturates every facet of our lives with idealized images of coupledom — pop music, soap operas, romantic comedies, Viagra commercials.
DP: It’s just not popular culture where you find matrimania. You find it in the most supposedly vanguard publications. You find them in The New Yorker andThe New York Times, etc. It’s just part of the conventional wisdom that getting married somehow makes you a morally superior person than if you stay single.
TW: Do you see marriage as serving an integral function that promotes healthy societies?
DP: I think there are lots of different ways to promote healthy people, healthy children and healthy societies. There is no reason to privilege marriage over other ways of raising other children.
TW: What can you imagine co-habitation looking like for people who are not in a conjugal relationship?
DP: You can share your life under the same roof, or not, with any variety of people. It might be a sibling or a set of friends, or a variety of people. At retirement age there seem to be more people who are collecting the people who’ve been meaningful in life and retiring together. The Canadian attempt to get recognition for a wide range of relationships was called Beyond Conjugality. These activists were asking, why can’t we value whatever relationships we say are important? If it’s two sisters or an adult and a child growing old together. Why does it just have to be a couple in the conventional sense?
Learn more about Singled Out at belladepaulo.com. Podcast the entire interview at queergnosis.com.
Amen! I’m single and not involved with anyone and I don’t like all the commercial emphasis on being “coupled” (do you see any billboards for homes with individuals pictured?)