My lesbian friends, Chelle and Donna, recently acquired a cute-ass dachshund puppy; they named her Frankie (lesbians are so incredibly creative). Frankie is around 13 weeks old now, and she has a great personality and healthy stool — hey, that’s important for pups!

Christmas 2011 was a bit more unusual than what is typical. You see, my parents were getting new family-room furniture for Christmas and apparently it was to be delivered before Christmas so they proactively had the old furniture removed and chose not to put up the Christmas tree.

I’d like to take this time to wish you a happy holiday season — particularly in regard to New Year’s Eve. It’s not only the day when you realize the whole year has past you by without any accomplishments ... well, except for the new hair growth in your ears and other orifices.

I’ve become addicted to a game on my phone called Text Twist 2 — it’s kind of like Angry Birds ... but for smart people. OMG! That was freakin’ rude. Really, I’m just yanking your chains. I’m just bitter and humiliated because I never successfully made it past the first level of Angry Birds — the constant ‘Level Failed!’ popping up on the screen every 15 seconds really shucked my corn. Anyhoo, happy holidays, and thank you for following the Gay Agenda; you are all beautiful peeps.

Winter really makes me ornery, I’m from Texas for hell’s sake. I’d rather swim with sharks or make whoopee with Debbie Gibson or have my testicles tied into a bow — actually I’ve tried this last one before, it’s not so bad — than deal with the snow.

And so the Oscar race begins. Now out, The Rum Diary, with Johnny Depp sure to be nominated, and The Ides of March, starring the multi-Oscar nominee George Clooney.

Well mummify me in gold lamé and call me Fonda Dixx’s brassiere ... she has a nice rack, just sayin’.

Please meet drag judge extraordinaire, Simaula, in the profile pic to your left … OK, extraordinaire may be pushing it a little, what with that awful hairdo. But look how gorgeous and modelesque that face is … sexxxyyy!