I’m over Facebook even though I’m that pathetic person who needs to check his page once, twice, or ten times a day. I guess one could say I have a love/hate relationship with social media. I want to shoot my load all over it but don’t want to stick around to see the ugly afterbirth. Thank God I’m on the pill. It keeps me...
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My god Becky! The new ‘IT’ boy in the neighborhood is a serial rapist. He’s the hottest thing since those hideous lawn globes. He’s in all the papers. I want him. I have to have him for status — to be a disgusting social climber — but he won’t come to my window. At night, I keep it open waiting for my Peter Pan moment,...
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My friend Josh has a dilemma. Single for two years, he’s graduated to making love to kitchen utensils. It won’t do anymore. It’s Black Friday. His love is on clearance, but there are no buyers and he won’t settle. Sex with closet cases who hate flamboyant gay men isn’t enough. He wants a nice guy who won’t be embarrassed...
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Did I mention I write in a park now? It’s organic and therapeutic until the old people and middle-school kids start fighting over which homeless person smells the worst. Personally, I like the homeless people. There’s only one that pisses me off and that’s because he serenades me with a saxophone, taking a seat beside me each...
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Did I miss the memo? Since when is it all right to solicit sex in the middle of the day without offering food or money? I mean, I know that I look hot and virginal in my skinny jeans but come on. I’m not going to sleep with you just because you’re homeless and shake your nuts at me when I’m walking on Main Street. I mean, I...
read moreThis month, I’m not writing about myself. I don’t want to come off as conceited, even though I have nothing to be conceited about. I mean, hello, I live with my dad, and that’s not cool after the age of 30, especially when your dad goes in your room without permission, only to stumble upon your spankerchief, because he has...
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