The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear | QSaltLake - Utah Gay and Lesbian News and Entertainment Magazine

A tale of who shot J.R.

The road to Southfork is fraught with danger and excitement. My panties haven’t been twisted into such an excited knot since March 21, 1980, when the whole country was left to wonder who shot J.R.? Dallas, the TV show will soon be returning to prime time TV and I’m all aquiver with eager anticipation! Back in the day,...

The tale of my blanket and me

The road to a Tony award is fraught with danger and excitement. Recently I had the opportunity to attend Dottie: The Sister Lives On at the Salt Lake Acting Company. What a spectacular show and a triumph for Sister Dottie. I cried until I resembled a raccoon from my mascara running. I laughed until the spandex in my girdle burst and...

The Tale of A Luxury Liner

The road to High Creek is fraught with danger and excitement. Last month I sat stunned into a very rare silence, riveted by the television, watching news reports of the luxury ocean liner Costa Concordia running aground in Italy and tipping over on her side. My mind was flooded with emotional and terrifying images of other...

The tale of a glass act

Feb 02, 12

by Petunia Pap Smear in The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear

The road to a trick’s bathroom is fraught with danger and excitement. Sex: The final frontier. This is a voyage of the land yacht, Queertanic. Its ongoing mission: to explore strange new theaters, to seek out new bathhouses and fresh porn shops, to boldly go where this queen has not gone before. Every Wednesday night during...

The Tale of Hold to The Rod

The road to the Mormon Tabernacle is fraught with danger and excitement. This may come as a shock to most of you, but when I am not engaged in the fondling of bingo balls at Third Friday Bingo with Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of Mayhem, I sing with the Salt Lake Men’s Choir. We just finished performing our 29th annual Christmas...

The Tale of a Christmas Miracle

The road to finding the perfect Christmas gift is fraught with danger and excitement. Last Friday, as I laid on the floor of Target, prying my four-inch stiletto heel from the cold dead grip of a cute, little old grandma, whom I had just trampled, I victoriously clenched tightly in my hand, the last Chia Pet. God how I love the...