The road to a trick’s bathroom is fraught with danger and excitement. Sex: The final frontier. This is a voyage of the land yacht, Queertanic. Its ongoing mission: to explore strange new theaters, to seek out new bathhouses and fresh porn shops, to boldly go where this queen has not gone...

The road to the Tabernacle is fraught with danger and excitement.

The road to finding the perfect Christmas gift is fraught with danger and excitement.

The road to an executive level, upper class, pedigree is fraught with danger and excitement.

In the dressing room before Third Friday Bingo recently, the other Matrons of Mayhem and I were waxing philosophically about the celestial properties of that most versatile and indispensable of fabrics, polyester. Naturally, I prefer 100 percent polyester clothing, as I do not wish to be declared an abomination to God by wearing more than one fabric at a time. My motto is: Only one abomination at a time. A proper queen must ration her sacrileges.

The majority of people believe that a queen’s life is nothing but glitz, glamor and luxuriousness. Actually, we put our lives at great risk every time we put on heels. To quote the immortal words of Bilbo Baggins, "It's a dangerous business, going out of your door. You step into the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no telling where you might be swept off to."

The road to Lagoon is fraught with danger and excitement.

The road to The Fruit Loop is fraught with danger and excitement.