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The Yodeler

Selfie Animalia, Pt. 2: The aquatic spectrum

Written by Ryan Haymore

So, I’ve told you about the time a friend compared me to a crocodile because of my open-mouth, smiling selfies. Well, I’ve been on a quest to see what this friend saw when they viewed animal resemblances in selfies. I’ve looked for the animals within — when they erupt from us, and when we straight-up channel them. Thus, I think I discovered what this friend so Linnaeusly found before likening me to a crocodile; however, now that my southern skin has adapted to Utah climate, I’m no longer textured like one.

On my quest, I’ve discovered two animalistic-type selfies to add to the lexicon that shall now be known as the “Selfie Animalia.”

There’s the Flounder. The Flounder is a selfie-taker who takes almost all its pictures from one angle; you see one side of their face, one eye, mouths flexed to the side facing the camera. It causes quite a strange view from the opposite side of the lens (meaning that side of the face has no mouth, a bent nose, a squinted eye, and stretched skin). However, from the camera side, the Flounder selfie delivers a beautiful vista of your jawline, eyebrow, and cheek structure. The eye is opened to reveal a full iris, and the lips are full and pouty and slightly askew from the norm — all from that one side, mind you. The Flounder has its allure; however, after at a certain point one may ask, “Are you taking a selfie or should we fry some hush puppies and slaw to dish alongside your tenth selfie in a row?” Tisk, tisk!

Then, there’s the Goldfish. It takes selfies with a mouth that’s puckered but not so much that they form duck lips; they widen their eyes like that of an 80’s facelift. This delivers a nice perk to the lips and a jolt to the brow structure. The lips aren’t gaudy like duck lips, so they look more natural. The eyes resemble a more hoot owl, but they aren’t distracting because the lips balance the motif. The cheeks purse just enough to give a taut look and exuberant pull-back to the facial outline because this look requires full ear flexing to pull off the ensemble. The Goldfish selfie has its uses (full lips, perky face, and arched eyebrows); however, at a certain point, people are going to wonder if you ate a Lemonhead expecting a warhead. I mean, it isn’t a warhead, as expected, so you aren’t making a sour face, but it’s a sour face no matter how you shake a stick at it. The Goldfish, when overused, tells me your face is saying you’re either excited, received small jolts of electricity, or put illegal substances in your coffee. No judgment.

Thus, the Flounder and the Goldfish are two aquatic selfie beauties. However, just like any trick, things begin to look fishy if your photos never envelop the entirety of your face or allow your face a natural resting look. Utilize these types of selfies to add to the menagerie of your social media album and not take over your profile pics like a totalitarian regime. Occasional indulgences make you a selfie risk-taker, but too much can make you either a Flounder or a Goldfish (take this Ol’ Croc’s advice — don’t overdo it). Remember, it’s our ability not to overindulge that separates us from the animals.

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Ryan Haymore

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