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The Yodeler

Selfie Animalia, part 4: The follies of fowls

Selfies
Written by Ryan Haymore

I certainly hope the Woodland Spectrum wasn’t too much for anyone to handle. I hope we all have tufts of hair and a butt that lurches into the world and acts as a carnivorous orchid — you know, the man-eating ones, wink, wink! Thus, the world of selfies is proving to be more vast than we ever imagined. And I bet you’ve been looking differently at or at least paying more attention to the way you’ve been snapping your selfies as of late.

Therefore, we must move onward and keep capturing and identifying these selfies. We must learn that we’re not bound to one selfie type, nor one selfie type exists in a social media environment. We aren’t a slice of Wonder bread; we’re diverse, gorgeous specimens of men and women, set forth to make eyes divert and minds consider the possibilities of our many boudoir-specific talents.

However, when it comes to the illustrious, there also stands the Pigeon selfie-taker. A Pigeon selfie is one in which the person holds a big, blank stare. The face looks like someone smeared numbing cream all over it from chin to brow. The Pigeon selfie-taker usually isn’t one to take a selfie alone. He will capture his paralyzed face with people posing with him or in the background. For some, the Pigeon selfie is a stare only the most crossfaded of sinners gives Jesus wearing a rainbow wig. To others, the Pigeon selfie is one that demonstrates the contours of the face when not smiling. I say to each his own, but it gives a new meaning to the phrase “feed the birds, tuppence a bag.”

The next selfie-taker is one that is opposite of the Pigeon. The Darling Dove is the selfie-taker that takes selfies, of which look nice, with different significant others every other week. He changes significant others before he changes bedsheets. Kudos must go to this selfie-taker. It isn’t easy convincing someone to pose with the Darling Dove for a profile picture knowing that last week his profile picture included someone else.

Is a couple’s selfie a doomsday gift to the relationship? It seems the Darling Dove, while taking gorgeous selfies, is doomed to repeat the ever-changing scenery of significant others. His selfie may give a view into the cemetery of his past relationships or that his selfie skills are as diverse as last month’s partners.

While the Darling Dove is a bit flighty with significant others, the Hummingbird selfie-taker is flighty with natural scenery. The Hummingbird is the selfie-taker who snaps that perfect shot in front of a different world landmark every other month. It may seem as though this selfie-taker is either jet-setting around the globe or has life-like backdrops in the basement. Either way, the Hummingbird manages to pair his face with the world’s landscapes like a versatile fine wine. The Hummingbird is likely pictured in front of a landmark, enjoying a bizarre meal, or with a group of strangers. The Hummingbird is fast but will have memories that last for 13 lifetimes. To ask where in the hell all that money for food and airfare, or what he does for a job remains a scientific mystery.

So, whether casting a blank stare upon the immediate horizon, posing with a different turtle dove every other week, or flittering about the world as if it was your backyard, the follies of fowl selfie-takers are quite dynamic.

What is the Pigeon looking at? Who is the Darling Dove going to be with tomorrow? Where in the world is the Hummingbird selfie-taker? The answer to these questions? The world may never know — that is until they post more selfies and we see exactly what, who, and where. And it’s that specific sense that comes from brainpower and vision in tandem that separates us from the animals.

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Ryan Haymore

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