Welp, gay people can’t have cake anymore, the Supreme Court said so. It’s now the law of the land that cake is intended only for one man and one woman to eat between the two of them forever and ever. Heterosexuals — and this is the part not being reported by the media — are no longer permitted to eat any other food. It’s cake only. The catch, however, is that only married straights can have cake. Everyone else gets no cake.
Some are worrying that preventing single men and women, not to mention children, from eating cake will lead to fraudulent marriages where people only say “I do” for the cake, not for the Lord. There is also fear that gays and lesbians will pose as straight and marry under pretenses to obtain the cake.
Had I realized that I could never have cake again I would have eaten an entire cake all by myself the day before this ruling came down.
It is, to be sure, a caketastrophe.
Or is it? Well, let’s be clear, it would have been nice to get a ruling from the Supreme Court that made clear that discrimination against LGBTQ people is wrong, full stop, forever and ever amen.
But that’s not what happened. Instead, the court issued a narrow ruling in favor of Masterpiece Cake Shop owner Jack Phillips, who refused to make a cake for a gay couple’s wedding.
It is important to remember that the Alliance for Defending Freedom is behind this whole thing. ADF may have an innocuous sounding name, but they are anything but about defending freedom. The Southern Poverty Law Center says they’re a hate group and have a history of trying to hurt LGBTQ people.
The ruling was 7-2, which has led many people to determine the ruling as “narrow” is part of a liberal conspiracy to minimize the decision.
But those people are dumb. As the New Civil Rights Movement puts it, “The Court’s ruling is being characterized as ‘narrow’ because it applies to only that one baker. It sets no precedents, changes no laws and has zero impact on anyone’s rights.”
But to hear ADF tell it, the Supreme Court ruled that anyone may discriminate against LGBTQ people for any reason at any time, so help them, god.
That is, well, inaccurate.
“In no way did the Supreme Court grant a license to discriminate around the country,” Sarah Warbelow, legal director for HRC, said.
“Anti-LGBTQ extremists did not win the sweeping ‘license to discriminate’ they have been hoping for,” HRC President Chad Griffin told USA Today. “And today’s ruling does not change our nation’s longstanding civil rights laws.”
In fact, HRC pointed out in a tweet that in the Masterpiece Cakeshop ruling, “SCOTUS acknowledged that LGBTQ people are equal and have a right to be free from the indignity of discrimination.” That is good news.
However, what will likely happen now is that other suits challenging the civil rights of LGBTQ people will gain traction.
We’re in for an ugly ride, and this should worry you. Short of getting yourself appointed to the Supreme Court, an important thing you can do is vote. Donald Trump is reshaping the judiciary by appointing judges utterly hostile to LGBTQ people, people of color, and women. So, judges who oppose the majority of America. We must stop him. The only way to do that is to elect a Democratic majority in Congress.
Oh, and happy Pride Month. It turns out that the pot at the end of the rainbow isn’t full of gold coins, but with cake. And by “cake” I mean civil rights since this whole thing is about much more than cake. It’s about whether LGBTQ people are equal citizens under the law. So vote for people who will make laws that protect us all.
And, yeah, feel free to sneak in some bites of illicit cake. You deserve it.
D’Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer, and comedian living in Michigan with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.