NOTE: This chapter is available in audiobook format on the TLHOC Podcast.
Access previous chapters of the book on the Table of Contents page.
June 16, 12:55 pm
Richard tried not to listen to the low murmur of Keith and Pil’s voices in the living room. Instead, he was pacing nervously back and forth, from the kitchen to the dining room table, as Billy and Howard sat silently and watched. His nerves were almost shot, and he was so anxious that he thought he might scream if Pil didn’t bring Keith in to see him soon.
Although he’d wanted nothing more than to be there when Pil talked to Keith, Billy had convinced him it would be best if Pil did it on his own. And his argument had made sense. If Keith could sense that Richard was there, watching him, that important conversation would quickly be derailed. And the real goal was for Pil to convince Keith they had to leave, and they had to leave soon. Richard worried that if Pil didn’t handle him carefully, he’d simply flat out refuse.
Keith can be so damn stubborn, Richard thought.
But it was only twenty minutes after Pil left the dining room, that he finally reappeared in the door, supporting Keith, whose eyes were darting around the room as if he thought somehow he would now magically be able to see his dead husband.
Richard looked at his lover’s drawn face. Pain had painted dark circles under his eyes, and left him unsteady on his feet. Richard wanted to rush to him, to help Pil bring him into the room and sit him in one of the dining room chairs. But of course, he knew he could do absolutely nothing to help, and the frustration of that left him shaking.
Keith’s eyes finally settled on Howard, the only person in the room that he could actually see, and then back on Pil. When he was settled into a chair, he looked back and forth between the two men.
“Where is he?” Keith asked.
Richard realized Keith was in the very same chair where Pil had sat earlier, when he had submitted himself to Richard’s repeated possessions. Quickly, he crossed the floor, and sank down into the opposite chair, directly in front of him. He sat looking at Keith, but his husband’s eyes were unfocused.
“He’s here, K,” Pil said, indicating the other chair.
Tentatively, Keith raised a shaking hand, as if he wanted to reach out and touch Richard’s face. And the longing in his eyes was so intense that Richard could barely contain his grief.
Pil took Keith’s wrist. Slowly, he guided Keith’s hand forward until it was in gentle contact with Richard’s cheek. Keith’s eyes followed his hand, until finally, Pil released it. His shaking palm stayed in the air, hovering there for a moment, and a look of anguish crossed his face as he stared into the empty space where Richard’s face should be. Keith looked as if he had convinced himself that if he only knew where Richard was, he would be able to sense him there, or perhaps be able to feel his face. But it was clear that Keith felt nothing, and that it was tearing him apart.
To Richard, Keith’s hand felt firm, despite the trembling, and he covered it with his own, holding it against his cheek. But as always, it was cold as stone, and it made him long for the warmth and softness he remembered in his lover’s touch.
So, we’re here with each other, and we’re both in far more pain than we would be if I’d just walked away, Richard thought, miserably.
“Can you tell him something?” Keith asked Pil.
“Tell him yourself. He’s right there. He’s taken your hand.”
Richard watched Keith as he tried to find his words. Finally, he said, “Ricard, I… I wish you hadn’t gone. It’s been…” the words hitched in his throat. “It’s been harder than I thought it would be. Harder than we talked about…” He took a deep breath. “I know you always said it was likely you’d die before me, and I know I told you that I’d accepted that. But I never really did. Or maybe that’s not right. It wasn’t that I didn’t accept it. But I just never believed it. To me, you were always just… a force of nature. It was impossible for me to imagine you gone. And then one day, when I least expected it, you just weren’t there anymore. And it felt… wrong. Impossible.”
“But I didn’t leave, Baby Bear,” Richard said, trying hard to keep his voice steady. “I guess I couldn’t accept it either. Maybe that’s why I’m still here. Maybe it was just too wrong for me to go.”
As if from a great distance, he heard Pil repeating his words, slowly and carefully. Keith’s eyes finally moved away and focused for a moment on the big man, who stood to his side. Only after a long pause did he turn his eyes back to the empty space where his lover sat.
Slowly, Keith’s hand pulled away from Richard’s face and fell back into his lap. Richard watched as his lover sat up in the chair, a new strength and resolve washing over him. He was still staring into the empty air, trying to focus his eyes on the space where he knew his lover sat.
“Richard,” Keith said, slowly and deliberately. “I want you to make me a medium. I want to see you and talk to you. Even if I can never touch you. I want to… feel you. Inside me…”
Richard moaned and dropped his face into his hands. This was exactly what he had been fearing, and why he had been afraid to be with Pil when he explained everything to Keith. He knew Keith would see the Fifth Gift as a blessing he had bestowed on Pil.
And worse, Richard knew it was what he wanted too.
He sat silently for a moment, wrestling with that temptation. In seconds, it all played out in his mind. If he were to possess Keith, and commune with his lover’s soul the way he had with Pil, could he ever again leave his body? Would his obsession and longing take him over, the way that Justin’s longing for Howard had done? Would he have the strength to pull himself away from that bliss? He wasn’t sure, and just the doubt that he might commit such a terrible violation of the man he loved made him feel as if he deserved none of it.
And even if I could… Even if I were to successfully make Keith a medium, what would that life be like for him? He would be tied forever to a ghost. He would be haunted, damaged, and set apart from life. He’d be stuck with someone he could see but never touch. Someone who would stay the same as he aged and died, his life wasted in an obsession that could never be consummated…
Richard believed that Pil could bear the life of a medium, but only because, unless Michelle returned, there would be nothing around his neck tying him to this dark world. That alone might allow the big man to bear what Richard had made him. But Keith would be destroyed by it.
Then another thought crossed his mind.
What would it do to me? Could I bear a world where I could see and talk to Keith, but never touch him? A world where I would never know the joy of holding his warm body? Never have any of the sensual and loving and human things that we had for all our years together? Never have any of that again? Would my mind snap?
And if it did, what monster would Keith be tied to then?
With sudden certainty, he knew that the risk was too great. He could not take that chance with himself, and he especially couldn’t take it with Keith. If he stepped away, Keith would eventually heal. He’d love another.
He’ll have a life. Mine is over.
He felt Billy put a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up, his reverie broken. The boy was clearly terrified that Richard would succumb to this temptation. He said, quietly, “No Richard, you can’t.”
He smiled and patted the boy’s hand. “I know,” Richard croaked, his voice thick with emotion. “Pil, tell him no. Tell him my life is over, but his is just beginning. Tell him… Tell him whatever you need to tell him. I don’t care. Just get him out of here. Get him somewhere safe.” He looked the big man directly in the eyes. “Just make sure he’s… okay. And make sure he knows… that I love him. Oh, God, make sure he knows.”
Pil said, “I understand. I will.”
Richard watched as Pil turned to Keith, who had been looking around the room anxiously, waiting for Richard to reply to his request. Finally, Pil knelt down, put his big arm around Keith’s shoulders, and took a deep breath.
“K, Richard says no. He has his reasons, and we can talk about it later. But right now, Richard just needs us to go. Every second we stay here is another second you’re at risk, and he wants you safe.”
Keith’s face crumpled, and Richard couldn’t look at it. He turned away, as he heard Keith whimper, “Please, no, Richard… I… I can’t be without you. Please don’t send me away!”
He heard Keith’s plea, but he also sensed something in his lover’s voice that he was sure nobody else in the room could. He heard a note of relief, as if, deep inside, Keith himself knew that Richard was right. As much as he wanted it, he too knew that if Richard were to grant his request, it would be misery everlasting for both of them.
It was over. And Keith knew it.
And to Richard, that provided a hint of relief. As long as he didn’t look into Keith’s eyes, he thought perhaps he could bear this. As long as he never looked into those eyes again…
He walked mutely to the other end of the dining room and looked forlornly into the backyard.
When nobody replied, Keith finally allowed himself to break down into tears, and Pil held him while he cried. Richard could see their reflection in the window, and despite his anguish, he could not turn around. And he was grateful that there was still someone alive in the room that could comfort the man he loved.
After a few minutes, Keith’s tears ended. He sniffled and wiped his running nose on the back of his bandaged arm, which caused him to wince.
“Okay, Richard,” Keith said, staring again at the chair where Richard had been sitting. “We’ll go. But I’m still so tired. Can’t we wait?” He sank back in his chair, and Howard brought him a glass of water.
Richard couldn’t speak, but he heard Billy talking now to Pil.
“No, you can’t wait,” Billy said. “You need to go now.”
Pil sighed. “Okay. We’ll go. Red Butte Canyon, right? Just above the university?”
“I know where that is,” Keith said, his voice barely above a whisper. Richard knew he too was remembering those summer days when they had both taken long lunches from their jobs at the university and walked up there. It was a beautiful spot, right in the foothills of the Wasatch. He wished he would be able to go with them. To visit that special place with Keith again. But it wouldn’t be him that accompanied his lover there. Not this time. And never again.
“We were heading back here to get your car,” Howard said to Pil. “Do you think it will still be there?”
“I hope so,” Pil said, climbing to his feet. “I left it parked in front of the house last night. It’s only a couple blocks away.”
“That’s good,” Billy said. “We’ll get the car, and take it if we can. But if it’s gone, we can still walk it. I don’t think it would take more than an hour, even without the car.”
Pil looked up, surprised. “Billy, you said ‘we.’ Does that mean you’re coming with us?”
“Yes, if you’ll have me. Richard asked me to help, and make sure you get out of the Hereafter safely. Then I’ll come back here.”
“Billy is coming with us,” Pil said to Keith. He’s going to make sure we get out okay.”
“Tell him thank you,” Keith said, numbly.
Richard finally turned around from the window, still being careful not to look into his husband’s eyes. “While Billy’s gone, Howard and I are going to make one last attempt to find Justin, and see if he can confirm for us that Drouillard is in Dugway. But if that doesn’t work, we’re just going to go. We’re not going to wait for you, Billy.”
“That’s fine,” Billy said. “If you have to go, just have Howard write a note and leave it on the table here. I’ll find you, I promise. I’m getting good at that.”
There was a moment of silence in the room, in which Richard realized that everything that needed to be said now had been. All that remained was the hard part.
Pil, Billy, and Keith had to leave.
“Are you ready, K?” Pil asked.
Keith didn’t reply, but stood up. To Richard’s relief, it looked like the Oxy had worn off enough that Keith could walk. Unfortunately, that meant that the pain in his burned arms was also coming back, but Keith seemed intent on enduring it.
Keith looked down at the chair where he still thought Richard was sitting, struggling to find some last words. Pil looked over at Richard, as if to ask mutely whether he should tell Keith that his husband was no longer seated there, and Richard just shook his head sadly.
“Goodbye, Poppa Bear,” Keith said to the empty chair, his voice quiet, but steady. “I love you. I’ll always love you. Thank you for… saving me.”
Richard had to turn away and leaned heavily against the window to stop himself from crying out.
Pil put an arm around Keith, and they started toward the door. But at the last minute, Billy turned to Richard.
“Richard, there is still one thing, before we go,” Billy said. “I think you should know. Mattie is gone.”
Richard numbly tried to absorb what that could men. “Gone?” He asked.
“I felt her disappear about ten minutes ago. I have no idea how far she’s gone, but she’s no longer across the street. I could only sense her because she was close. And now she’s gone.”
“What does that mean?” Richard asked.
“It might mean that she has possessed someone. Once she is in a human host, I can no longer sense her. Or she’s gotten lost in all the noise of what is happening in this city. It’s impossible to tell.
Richard turned to Howard. “Do you think Justin has gone with her?”
“It’s possible,” Howard said. “But like I told you, I can’t sense him the way Billy senses Mattie. I just have my gut instinct, which is that he’s too obsessed to leave. That he’s still out there, waiting for me.”
“Which means he might follow Keith. He still might try to hurt him or Pil.”
“It’s possible,” Howard said. “But I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think so. But you’re not sure…”
“No, I’m not sure.” He picked up the tire iron off the table and took it to Pil, who was now standing in the doorway with Keith. “Pil, I think this is your best weapon. Better, even, than a knife. If Justin, or any ghost, gets close enough for you to use this, don’t hesitate. Go for the head. All it takes is one well-placed hit. You won’t even feel it. But the ghost will. It will reset them, and you’ll be safe.”
Richard watched as Pil slowly reached out and took the tire iron from Howard, who was holding it out to him. At that moment, Richard thought Howard looked more like a priest offering communion than a fugitive. And when Pil took the weapon, his eyes locked on Howard for several seconds. The transfer of the weapon from Howard to Pil felt like a rite of passage. Pil was now Keith’s protector. Richard could tell that giving up that role was among the hardest things Howard had ever done.
One by one they walked down the hallway to the front door, Pil and Keith in the lead, followed by Billy and Howard, with Richard bringing up the rear. Pil opened the front door and allowed Billy to leave the house first. At the last moment, Keith turned, standing in the doorway, and looking back into the house, his eyes unfocused, but his face strong and clear.
“Richard, you always took good care of me,” he said. “Even after you died. And I’m going to love you forever.”
There were no tears in Keith’s eyes. They had all been cried.
Keith, Pil and Billy turned away from the doorway, and the three of them crossed the yard and into the street. From the porch, Richard watched them go.
Keith didn’t look back.
What, after all, would he look back for? Richard thought. There is nothing here. Nothing at all…
Howard and Richard watched as the trio crossed the street. Pil took the lead, grasping Howard’s tire iron, with Keith next, and then Billy. Richard thought it looked like a war film he had seen of soldiers in Vietnam, crouching and moving stealthily through the jungle.
Richard watched until they turned the corner, out of sight, and he and Howard stood alone.
That was probably the last time I will ever see Keith, Richard thought. And he realized all the pain was still there, lurking under the thin veneer of strength he had patched together. A veneer that seemed as thin as an eggshell. He knew that if he allowed it, all that pain could bubble up and consume him again, and that if he did, this time he might be destroyed by it.
Howard said, “Don’t worry. They’ll be fine.” And Richard had to suppress a wave of anger at the boy, which he knew he didn’t deserve. Howard was just trying to be helpful, and Richard had every reason to be grateful to him for what the young man had done. And especially for what he was going to do.
The grief helped him suppress his anger, and he stayed silent.
Finally Richard said, “You know if we find him, if we find Drouillard, I’m going to have to use you. I’m going to have to use you to kill him.”
“I know,” Howard said, without emotion. “But you won’t have to use me. If we can find him, I’ll kill him myself.”
The living and the dead stood alone on the porch, and the silence dragged on for one minute, then two. The world was silent and empty. The sun was bright, but somehow made everything look harsh and cruel, like the surface of some planet far too close to the sun. And there were now no birds in the trees. Not a single one.
Finally, Richard turned to Howard. The steely resolve in his eyes made the boy take a step back.
“We have work to do,” Richard said, and walked back into the house.
Howard followed, and closed the door behind him.
The Last Handful of Clover is a supernatural thriller by Wess Mongo Jolley. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying this story, please consider supporting the author on Patreon.
For more information (including maps of the story’s world and a contact form) visit the author’s website.
To read previous chapters of this book, go to the Table of Contents page.
If you’re interested in listening to the book, rather than reading it, the audiobook is available at the Patreon link above, and also as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, Anchor, and all other podcast platforms. Visit the podcast page for more details.
ADDITIONAL LINKS:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/WessMongoJolley
Twitter: https://twitter.com/WessMongoJolley
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/mongobearwolf
Copyright 2021, Wess Mongo Jolley. All rights reserved.
