Think before you ask
Shortly after we moved back to Utah, Kelly and I found ourselves at the bank with a two-year-old Niko. As we waited in line, an older woman approached and asked if she could ask a question. She wanted to know if we had an older child. We nodded. Then she added, “I bet that kid is easy, so you thought, why not get another?” We nodded, and she walked away laughing. Niko was indeed a handful.
That was one of the best stranger-asked questions we’ve ever had. Not all of them were that funny. And whereas I encourage folks to ask LGBTQ+ parents appropriate questions, there are some inquiries that should remain off limits. Indeed, the family building resource organization Gay Parents to Be suggests there are questions no one should ask queer parents.
Who’s the kid’s real parent? Obviously, this is likely to be asked when someone knows LGBTQ+ parents have used a surrogate or used in vitro fertilization. Talk about an insanely personal question. As GPTB notes, no one would ever think of asking straight parents a similar question.
My suggested response: Why on earth are you interested in my/our body fluid(s)? Do you ask your straight friends that question?
When are you going to tell the kids who their real parents are? This question implies that there’s a secret in your family, and that one of you (or both) is a false parent. There are no hidden truths that need to be revealed. Kids know who their family is.
My suggested response: We’re both the real parents.
Is the baby from a previous relationship? We heard this one quite frequently, especially with our oldest Gus. When he was younger, most people who saw him with me assumed he was my biological kid. We both have dark hair, and whereas he has a more olive complexion than I do, it’s not that far off. With Niko, people actually asked me if my ex-wife was Latina.
My suggested response: My kids are adopted, but why do you care? Every family comes together in a different manner.
Are you worried there won’t be a male/female influence in their life? There are so many issues with this question. First, it ignores the fabulous parenting done by nearly 11 million single parents in the country. Certainly, some kids may miss having a dad or a mom, but multiple studies have shown that they have no significant differences with friends, spouses, or careers as those raised by a mom and dad. Secondly, it assumes that only a parent can be a role model.
My suggested response: Our kid has many role models, both cisgender and nonbinary.
How much did you pay for your baby? I like to think that people are curious if adoption or surrogacy or IVF is very expensive. But asking how much we paid? And this isn’t just a question LGBTQ+ parents hear. When we first moved to our neighborhood, a couple down the street with a son adopted from Cambodia shared with us that another neighbor had asked how much they’d paid for him. I mean, think that through. How much they paid for a child of color?
My suggested response: There are many different routes to parenthood, and some have more costs associated with them than others. You can research options online. (By the way, our neighbor said for his son it was a bale of hay.)
Stop and think before you ask LGBTQ+ parents intrusive questions. Would any reasonable person consider it too personal? If the answer is even “maybe” stick to asking why we’re so damn fabulous!
